|in the garden in the house of love
||[Jan. 30th, 2008|07:59 pm]
the amazing, glamorous and heartwrenchingly raw claudelemonde posts about the nature of love.|i've been talking to a lot of people lately (oooookay hi, this is a silly beginning, i talk to a lot of people all of the time, let's start again)
a lot of recent conversations w/ people i love have centered around certainty, and lack thereof. we envy the certainty of those with a complete faith, we stand in awe of those who are certain in love, we are drawn to those who are certain about themselves. not that you can't stumble, make a side-step, fall; but that you believe in the overall impetus of the life you are building, in your choices, even that what you like you really like, all the way, of your own choosing--that certainty is attractive, and enviable, and has an air of magic to it; it has a strength.
i have become more sure-footed in many things; i've always known what i like, and i am sure of who i am, unassailably, which means that though it can hurt when a loved one disagrees or shouts me down, i am still me. i can consider opposing points, empathetically, sympathetically, and try to do so deeply; but feeling whether or not something "fits" is still an easy swoop of a decision, usually. to not be a bully, but to know quietly inside what fits for you. this makes it easy to be interested in other people, particularly those who have their own legend (as in maps), aesthetics, guidelines, and themes firmly footed. it's part of why i love, too, to give gifts; finding something that someone will love but they don't know it yet--there's an exquisite, last-piece-of-the-5000-piece-puzzle satisfaction there.
but in talking about certainty, i think mostly the areas where i'm least certain. i don't think i've ever felt truly in love, healthily; i've felt comfort, and relief, and paranoia, and desire, but not this real true thing everyone goes on and on about. i don't think i usually have much of a grip on a certain career path or life's work. and while i have faith, trust, belief, i don't have a 100% sure idea about God, what he is, what happens when we die. but i also have realized that i need room for those uncertainties. i wouldn't want a faith like the DMV, full of paperwork and A-B-C steps and guarantees and headcounts. i wouldn't want a love that worked like stereo instructions. i love the grand mysteries, the surges (even if they aren't true) of wonder that grip you sometimes like a waterspout. i need to believe that what's about to happen is something i can't even conceive of with my organic little human mind, that finally that wave will come in and lift me out to sea. i hope they never catch Nessie. i'm not afraid to die. i'm going to fall in love, tonight.