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Memo to Steve Jobs: I will punch you in the junk - uncensored_lj [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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Memo to Steve Jobs: I will punch you in the junk [Jun. 12th, 2008|03:51 pm]


O how somehedgehog, wee prickly one that she is, can cause me to giggle when she really gets off on a tear.

Steve-O - for someone who makes such luscious, sleek technology products that always keep me coming back to you, no matter how hard I try to stray, you sure can be a douche at times. Baby, how can you understand me so well, knowing that I want sleek GUIs and attractive industrial design, as well as out-of-the box security and virus protection, and then turn around and commit the technology-boyfriend equivalent of saying "sorry sugar, but the makeup sex after I forgot your last birthday and then pretended to pick up my solid gold iPhone to call you a Wahhhhhhhhmbulance after I called you a crybaby sow was so hot, I just had to do it again this year. By the way, the way your mascara runs when you cry makes you look fat."?

Steve. Steve. We have to talk about the iPhone. You are selling a cell phone. A cell phone. A cell phone, in 2008, by definition, should be able to send picture messages. Even the latest version of the iPhone does not do this, according to all of the marketing literature I've read. Steve, remember who your lovers are, baby. Your fan club are skinny girl-jeans-wearing techie-neo-bohemians who want to send pictures of their semi-ironic kickball league championship to all their dive-bar drinking buddies, not old biddies who want a cell phone that basically consists of one large-text button that reads "PUSH HERE IN CASE OF HIP BREAKAGE." This is just like the time that you rolled out the intel-based macs without bothering to see if the hordes of graphic designers, who nursed you through your pimply awkward years when everyone thought the mac was the sad Fisher-Price kid sister of the PC, would be a bit hurt if all their 1200 dollar Adobe Creative Suite packages suddenly became useless, forcing designers to use the installation CDs as drink coasters for all those vodka sours they had to down while trying to get over their broken hearts.

Oh, sure, you could circumvent the lack of MMS by composing an email, attaching a photograph to it, then switching back to your contact list, writing down your friend's phone number, going back to the email message, entering the phone number into the "to" line, fishing out that piece of paper that has your friend's wireless carrier written on it, cross-checking it against the other piece of paper that has that list of MMS domain names by wireless carrier, appending the appropriate domain name to the phone number, repeating all those steps for the other half-dozen friends you want to send your picture to, and then hitting send. This is the equivalent of selling a car that has no doors, but saying that it's cool because you can always open the trunk, take out the back seat, climb in, and reinstall the seats, after which you bounce up and down in your seat to get the shocks bouncing enough to close the trunk. Actually, I think doing that would take less time and hassle than sending a picture message from an iPhone. A better approximate equivalent might be selling a car that has no doors or trunk or windows, but can only be accessed via an extradimensional rift hidden inside the Great Blood Sacrifice Temple of the ancient Toltecs, long believed to be mere legend, but who some madmen on the edge of accepted scholarship believe was consumed by the primeval jungles of central America to protect humanity from the wrath of Iza'Atl, The All-Devourer.

For all that, you son of a bitch, I'll probably end up buying the new iPhone and trying to find some third-party solution to your MMS BS. From all I hear, the new 3G technology makes it lightning fast...and you've dropped the price by 50%. You asshole. It's always like this with you....fast, cheap, and out of control.

[User Picture]From: snatchbeast
2008-06-13 11:45 am (UTC)
I love this.
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